founder’s journal #2: the ideal founder

22.10.23, HCM

This past week has been very tough for me emotionally and mentally. We said goodbye to 2 incredible teammates, both of whom I had the chance to work very closely with.

I think their departure made me very sad. And per my last post, I briefly mentioned the emotional detachment I’m building while learning how to be a founder.

as a founder, feeling good or bad doesn’t matter. you have to show up the next day, put in the work, and hope that the general trendline is upward.

Hence, I think I’m developing this coping mechanism to suppress or detach every negative feeling I have while doing business. Fuong (my co-founder) called me “the avoidant type”.

Maybe she’s right. I don’t wanna be hurt. I’m terrified of overcommitment while no one else is doing the same.

That’s why I turned to the principles I learned from Economics: hard, cold rationality, driven by a simple, single desire for utility (in this case, profit) maximization.

Decisions are made more easily if the only thing you care about is profit.

I suppress my emotions to protect myself. I tried to channel economic rationality into every thought and decision. My core team couldn’t recognize me. I couldn’t recognize myself.

Are these changes good? Are they necessary?

In our weekly reflection, Fuong asked me what I really wanted to achieve with the business.

And to protect myself, I instantly replied “Profit Maximization” - like a well-trained economics student.

I spoke nothing of the impact on my students, the sense of belonging among team members, or my desire to build something that I will forever be proud of. I suppressed all of those.

I didn’t want to appear “unrealistic” or “dreamy”.

I wanted to be the “rational” thinker with a “clear” goal, and a “well-thought-out” plan - someone who knows their numbers, someone who exudes confidence, rooted in clarity.

Isn’t that the ideal founder image?

Probably.

But that’s currently not me.

I have a vague idea of the market problem we want to solve, a new product being built and yet to be tested, cash flow JUST ENOUGH to sustain the company till the next sales cycle, and a gazillion personal problems beyond this business I have yet been able to solve.

That’s when I realized I’m not the “ideal founder”. I DO NOT have my shit together.

So why should I pretend that I do?

Should I accept who I really am instead?

that I’m not the super-rational businessman who only cares about money, that I care so much more about impact, that the people I work with are not "human resources" but actual “human beings” with human feelings,

and that the biggest reason I embarked on this entrepreneurial journey, is not FREEDOM FROM having to work for someone else, but rather, FREEDOM TO build something that I will forever be proud of.

You can call me dreamy or unrealistic.

But at least I’m being “honest”.
With you. With my team. With myself.

And maybe this honesty, this idealistic and daring personality, are why people follow me in the first place.

I’m fully aware that “what gets people through the door won’t make them stay”. A founder needs to “evolve” and “upgrade” in order to grow the business. And I’ve been trying really hard to evolve with the business.

I’m no longer the reckless, 100% running on emotional impulses, and inspiring kind of leader like a few years ago when I first started this. I’m much more rational and calculated now.

But I’m still super passionate about what I’m building, still ready to experiment with new ideas, and still inspiring many of my teammates and students.

Those traits are at the core of who I am, and will probably not change for a loooong time.

Today, I learned that being a good founder (or simply a good person) doesn’t require you to become solely “rational” or solely “emotional”.

Both are important ways of thinking a founder should develop. All of us can learn to lead more gracefully with both emotions and logic.

And most importantly, I learned that being a good founder requires you to become more honest with yourself.

Honest about who you really are, and what really matters to you.

Honest about what you know, and what you don’t.

It’s okay if you’re still figuring things out. Just be honest with yourself that you are.

You don’t have to pretend to be that “ideal founder”.

Because I think no one really is.