A better way to ask “Why?”

Help me help you

“Why” has this reputation of being “the best” question to ask. “Gets you to the core of one’s reasoning”, people say.

Yes, it might. But time and time again, I’ve seen “Why” bring out the worst of people, not their reasoning.

Asked with the wrong tone, “Why” can sound a lot like an aggressive challenge.

“I think that we should eat out.” - “Why?”
“I’ve always dreamed of being a YouTuber.” - “Why?”

The underlying message might come across as “Why would you have that thought? That’s so stupid.”

When people FEEL like they (or their ideas) are being attacked, they turn on “defensive mode”. Meaning they won’t be trying to explain their reasonings to you. They’re busy protecting themselves from “looking stupid”.

When people don’t feel safe emotionally, they won’t tell you their logical thoughts.

A better way to ask “Why”, in my opinion, is to frame it like this: “Help me understand Why.”

“Why” sounds like a challenge.
“Help me understand Why” sounds like an ask.

“Why” might sound like you’re talking down from a castle of rational superiority, and they have to convince you to let them in.

“Help me understand Why” automatically puts them in the castle, and you’re asking politely if they can give you a tour.

Most people, if asked politely, enjoy helping others. Not many of us, love being intellectually challenged, aggressively.

In order to create a safe AND stimulating environment, ask from a place of curiosity.

Elevate others. Lower your ego.

Make an ask, not a challenge.

Let them be in the castle. You’re just trying to get in.

P/s: This feels like an extension of my “Organizational Culture Matrix” blog. Read it here.