Writing when you’re depressed :)

A free writing blob

Hanoi, 22/1/25

Hey diary, today, I can confirm with a pretty high level of certainty that I am slightly depressed :) Shitty days are getting longer. The future is blurry as hell. I don’t wanna see anyone.

Context: I came back home to enjoy Tet, to be with my family and shit. But the reality is: work is still working. My company doesn’t have Tet. I just onboarded a new work stream. So had to run double speed to cover next week’s work.

I “ran away” from my family tonight for 6 hours to fully focus on work. Trying to get a lot of shit done. Checkbox after checkbox.

The coffee shop waitress rushed me out at 10 pm as I was reminded again of peak capitalism: “There will always be more work. Get more done, get more work.”

—

I had dinner alone. Thinking about my niece, and how little quality time I’ve had with her since I’m back. Thinking about my avoidant tendency, running away from problems in my relationship with my family in Hanoi (the family that I grew up with).

We used to be so close as kids - me, my sister, and my cousins. But ever since I studied abroad, things became a lot harder. Now, I barely have the courage (or excitement) to spend time with them. I don’t feel comfortable asking too deeply about their lives because I’m afraid I might create discomfort. Because of that, I don’t share problems or wins in my life.

Our conversations are worse than small talks, because of the history we’ve had. Now, card games don’t hit the same anymore. We didn’t grow old together. Or at least, we didn’t grow according to the trajectory I expected.

Confession: Family still feels like a duty. Except for spending time with my mom and dad, doing things that make them happy.

So. Running away. Ho Chi Minh. Overseas. I don’t know. Wherever.

But honestly, I think I’m only feeling shit about my relationship with my family because my work is also shit.

5 years as a blogger, I’ve never been a full-time adult, working full-time, taking care of my own life, planning for the future… I never understood how hard it was to write during a shitty dip that lasts days, weeks, or months.

I get it now.

But as I was writing these lines, I understood an even more important lesson:

Good habits and systems win in the long run, not only in good times, but especially in shitty times.

In the shittiest hours, it’s of utmost importance to keep your (good) streak!

Nadal said something along that line:

If you make an effort in training when you don’t especially feel like making it, the payoff is that you will win games when you are not feeling your best. - Nadal

So, when depressed in the past 1 month, I chose to do what?

1. Get back to writing: They don’t have to be published. They’re the weekly reflections I share with my partner, the free writing blobs like this one, a love letter, whatever it is.

   Good writing is muscle training for the brain and therapy for the heart.

2. Get back to reading: I stopped reading books consistently for about 3 months since the transition to my new job. Getting back, for me, requires a group of friend sharing the same interest (personal finance) and being willing to read the same book (Just Keep Buying). We kept each other accountable. That was great.

3. Get back to taking notes rigorously: This came out of necessity because I couldn’t process everything in Just Keep Buying without “exporting” these ideas out. You can view my ongoing notes of the book here. It feels SO nice to be back. I wrote about why it’s important to export your book notes here if you’re interested.

4. Keep exercising 4 times/week: if your mental health is weak, at least keep your physical health strong :)

There will be shitty days when depression/ sadness/ negativity gets the better of us. Days like today when I eat alone and work alone when I’m supposed to spend this trip with my family. I didn’t work out or read. But at least when I got home at 11 pm, I sat down and wrote. That’s me winning something back.

I’m only gonna live for another 16,000+ days. You’re not gonna steal this one (entirely) from me 🙂

One small win per day fam!

p.s: I have no medical expertise to self-diagnose as “depressed”, but fck man it’s been tough! so cut me some slack before you plan to cancel me :) I won’t be arguing definitions with you.