I was wrong

Good friends don’t turn their back on you because you were wrong once.

Context

On July 19th, I published a post titled “The best way to learn and master anything”, taking inspiration from my response to a student asking “How did you learn public speaking?”. My answer was to obsessively study and copy a few role models or high performers.

As I drafted the response, I realized that this was the way I learned not just public speaking, but also writing, facilitation, leadership, and all the other soft skills that I have. “Internet mentors” played a crucial role in my learning journey, so my intention with the post was to encourage readers to optimize their access to these resources - or to “obsessively study and copy” them.

I ended the post with these 2 lines: “What limits you isn’t access to content. What limits you is your level of obsession with mastery.” And honestly didn’t think much about the implications they might have for readers.

The post created a controversy that I did not anticipate. Words were exchanged between the two camps. So I am writing this to (1) publicly apologize for my mistakes, and (2) share with you my reflection about how we could interact online.

My apology

1️⃣ Firstly, I apologize for my lack of consideration for my privileges, packaged in an over-generalized message.

As some of you have kindly pointed out, access to quality content isn’t something “most people have” as I claimed on the diagram and in the post. Underneath “access to quality content” can include access to language learning opportunities, access to the Internet, or even access to free time.

These are all barriers that could “limit” one’s trajectory.

To fix this, I could have been more clear about my target audience for the post: people who have easy access to English, the Internet, and a certain level of free time for learning. In addition to killing the idea that “access to content” isn’t important.

I am aware of the privileges that I have, and am truly sorry if I made you feel like I’m denying those to make a point.

2️⃣ Secondly, I apologize for my ad hominem response to Gia Huy Tran.

I never condone personal attacks online or in person, regardless of the scale. I know that there’s ZERO benefit in attacking or talking down on someone because I’ve been on both ends of this behavior. But in this situation, I let my emotions take the wheel.

I don’t want anyone to be hurt or to think that it’s normal (or cool) to hurt others. That was my mistake, please don’t copy it.

Sincerely sorry to Gia Huy and whoever felt personally attacked by my comment.

How we can interact online

This incident reminds me of the fact that Writing Online is EXTREMELY vulnerable.

Letting thousands of you enter my world requires so much courage I never thought I had. I started this blog to take you on this growing-up journey with me, to share with you what I have learned, realized, noticed, and pondered upon.

I can always stop doing this public sharing thing, but because I truly believe that what I’m writing is adding value and helping someone somewhere (and fortunately, many readers have confirmed this belief), I choose to continue on this journey.

To be as authentic as I am on this blog with you, I must consider all of you my friends.

I must learn to be comfortable with being wrong in public.

I came to this state of “I was wrong” thanks to the kindness and generosity of my friends who first gave me emotional support to feel safe, and then rationally challenge me to think better. They are here to help me become a better person. And so are some of the readers here, I appreciate your constructive feedback a lot!

If you also consider me your friend, I would appreciate it if you could give me feedback from a place of “I want you to be better”. Because I really do want to be a better person/ influence. I’m very willing to learn.

To do so, the language we use is important. The target of criticism is important. Criticize the idea or behavior, not the person. I will 100% try to live by this.

I hope that we can give feedback in a way that makes people feel respected. As I have mentioned, there’s NO benefit in attacking or talking down on someone. I hope that we can ask ourselves:

Would I say this if the other person is my friend?

If you cannot consider the possibility of us being friends and ask yourself that question, or you’re the type who has no regard for your friend’s feelings, I cannot take your feedback seriously. Because you are not here to help me become a better person.

I know that there will still be attacking comments and personal hatred sprinkled here and there. And I will have to learn how to deal with them in a way that protects my mental health if I want to continue writing sustainably.

So this last bit is an invitation for us to be good friends online. Not just mine, but everyone’s.

Good friends don’t turn their back on you because you were wrong once. They will try to help you realize your mistake, in the most considerate way possible.

I was wrong.

Thank you for helping me realize my mistakes.

Thank you for supporting me emotionally.

Thank you for being patient with my learning.

Thank you for still being here 😊